I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions.
This is what living like this does.
Best friends means I pull the trigger. Best friends means you get what you deserve.
Hold your breath cause you only make things worse.
The truth is: you could slit my throat. And with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.
It took a little while to understand the beauty of letting go.
That's possibly very sweet of you.
I believe I'll move more easily through our schools fierce halls if there is less of me here.
I'm fifteen and tired of tripping over myself, all the papers spilling out of my bookbag.
You have to see her lessened before you love her.
When did you begin to experience dramtic weight loss?
The spring I turned sixteen, after experiencing a dramtic desire to lose weight.
How did you hope you'd be helped?
Someone would take my shoulders in their hands and shake me. They'd say, "Look at what you're doing to yourself-you have so much to live for". Or they'd promise, "You're safe now. No one will ever hurt you again".
You desired attention?
Rescue. Attention didn't always get things done.
Scared meant he had something to lose.
Everything in my world is relentless. Except you.
By the time I believed you love me, you no longer loved me.
Know that when I lose you, I will lose my every gratitude.
For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
*I sat in my depressed little kitchen eating my happy little sandwich. I was supposedly dating this one guy, and defintely dating this other guy, and I really like another guy. I sipped my cherry kool-aid from my coffee cup after smelling my hand for the hundreth time. We had so much in common: same music, same fashion sense, same bargain stores. But this other guy....well, I've loved him for three years....but he doesn't really give a fuck about anything. And this one guy would get hit by a train for me and he doesn't even know me. I've never met him. How insane am I? My hand starts to shake. But another guy...he's amazing. Gave me his sweater cause I was cold. I really wanted to keep it so I could think of only him. I have a decision to make and I think it's another guy.*
Friday, June 11, 2010
I Am (a) L(atter) D(ay) S(aint)
I've been practicing hugging the people I love for years now, and I get through it.
Sew up the loose threads I left hanging when I fled my past.
Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
The god to whom I pray is all parts unconditonal love, no part vengenance or retribution.
Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past.
Forgiving is not the same as obliterating memory.
"Nothing" left an awful lot of scars. It's not the kind of scar tissue a kid gets playing on the jungle gym. Someone put it there.
People underestimate the capacity of things to disappear.
Perhaps religion really was the opiate of the masses as Marx had claimed; I didn't care.
For my whole adult life, I've been chastising myself for failing to communicate well with my father. Now I remembered why I never managed it. Trying to talk to him is like playing one of those carnival games-the coke bottle ringtoss or dart the balloon. It looks rediculously easy, but when I actually try it, the coke bottles and balloons become bizarrely evasive, and I always miss.
Sew up the loose threads I left hanging when I fled my past.
Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
The god to whom I pray is all parts unconditonal love, no part vengenance or retribution.
Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past.
Forgiving is not the same as obliterating memory.
"Nothing" left an awful lot of scars. It's not the kind of scar tissue a kid gets playing on the jungle gym. Someone put it there.
People underestimate the capacity of things to disappear.
Perhaps religion really was the opiate of the masses as Marx had claimed; I didn't care.
For my whole adult life, I've been chastising myself for failing to communicate well with my father. Now I remembered why I never managed it. Trying to talk to him is like playing one of those carnival games-the coke bottle ringtoss or dart the balloon. It looks rediculously easy, but when I actually try it, the coke bottles and balloons become bizarrely evasive, and I always miss.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Make This Go On Forever....
Please don't turn this
into something it's not
I can only give you
everything I've got
I can't be as sorry
as you think I should
But I still love you
more than anyone else should
All that I keep thinking
throughout this whole fight
is it could take my whole damn life
to make this right
The splintered mast I'm holding on
won't save me long
because I know fine well
that what I did was wrong
The last girl and the last reason
to make this last as long as I could
first kiss in your first time
that I felt connected to anything
The weight of the water, the way you told me
to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final seconds
you ever learned to me was love
We have got through so much worse
than this before
what's so different this time
that you can't ignore
You say it is much more
than just my last mistake
and we should spend some time
apart for both our sakes
The last girl and the last reason
to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss in your first time
that I felt connected to anything
The weight of the water, the way you told me
to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final seconds
you ever learned to me was love
The last girl and the last reason
to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss in your first time
that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me
to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final seconds
you ever learned to me was love
And I don't know where to look
my words just break and melt
please just save me from this darkness
please just save me from this darkness
And I don't know where to look
my words just break and melt
please just save me from this darkness
please just save me from this darkness
into something it's not
I can only give you
everything I've got
I can't be as sorry
as you think I should
But I still love you
more than anyone else should
All that I keep thinking
throughout this whole fight
is it could take my whole damn life
to make this right
The splintered mast I'm holding on
won't save me long
because I know fine well
that what I did was wrong
The last girl and the last reason
to make this last as long as I could
first kiss in your first time
that I felt connected to anything
The weight of the water, the way you told me
to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final seconds
you ever learned to me was love
We have got through so much worse
than this before
what's so different this time
that you can't ignore
You say it is much more
than just my last mistake
and we should spend some time
apart for both our sakes
The last girl and the last reason
to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss in your first time
that I felt connected to anything
The weight of the water, the way you told me
to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final seconds
you ever learned to me was love
The last girl and the last reason
to make this last for as long as I could
first kiss in your first time
that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me
to look past everything I had ever learned
the final word in the final seconds
you ever learned to me was love
And I don't know where to look
my words just break and melt
please just save me from this darkness
please just save me from this darkness
And I don't know where to look
my words just break and melt
please just save me from this darkness
please just save me from this darkness
Monday, January 4, 2010
Haven't Been Writing As Much...
I've realized that this is the first time in two months that I've even written anything. I don't know why I don't keep up, I guess I just forget.
Let's see, since November 5th, a few things have happened...
November 9th was my twenty-first birthday. Martin and I went out. That was interesting. Kinda boring.
Martin and I didn't spend Thanksgiving together. He got mad at me and walked out the door. Made me skip dinner with his parents, and then made me walk to Josh's house just to get the car so I could go to Steph's parents. And when everyone asked me where he was, I just said that I didn't know.
We saw Rory/Emma the day before my birthday. She got all dressed up in her Minnie Mouse costume for me and walked around. She wanted me to pick her up and hold her. And then she laid her head on my shoulders and I just about fell apart. They let me change her diaper and put her pajamas on. It was kind of strange.
On the 30th, someone threw a brick in our window. The brick came from Computer Smartz next door, but we know the neighbor didn't do it.
December 1st, Martin enlisted in the Air Force Reserves. He doesn't leave until the 13th or 20th of July, just after Dylan's first birthday. It was also Martin's birthday, but we didn't do anything. We went to the Mall of America and IKEA. That was about it.
I went to the Christmas Party on base by myself because Martin had to work. Then when Martin came up on Monday so we could get our identification cards, the chick said she needed everything from us again. And we're like, but we put that in the system already, and Sargeant Westfall tried chewing her out, but she didn't care. So we went up the next day with all of our documents again. She was so rude about everything too. Didn't care that we had to drive an hour and a half one way just to get there.
I auditioned for the Eagle's Cancer Telethon. Paulette was supposed to play the piano, but she fell ill the day of auditions, so I had to call Mr. Schwark at the last minute, and he agreed to play for me on the day of the show too! Tonight, we're going to practice because it's in less than two weeks! I'm singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz, "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl, and "Anyway" by Martin McBride.
Christmas was spent with Martin's family and the Graybill's. Nothing too eventful. Missionaries came over, as usual, and Mike's girlfriend, Nikki, was like, "The devils are here". She can be so ride sometimes. She yells at her kids in front of everyone. She doesn't even care. Mark and Tammy bought their kids coats last year, and they returned them to get money instead. I can understand if you're poor, but jeepers, ask someone for money or something. Your kids need coats. There's no reason why they should freeze.
Mike (my dad) met Dylan and Martin for the first time on the 19th. After a year and a half of no communication and wanting to make sure it was going to "work out", he randomly calls me and asks if we want to come over for dinner. Dinner went okay, and Martin thought he was nice, but that's wht he does the first couple of times you meet him. One time, he bad-mouthed me to a boyfriend, and like two days later, my boyfriend broke-up with me because he didn't think he could handle being with me and all the drama. I wonder if Mike has really changed this time. I was always angry that Emma started calling Dawn "mom", but then it made me a hypocrite because I call Paulette "mom" and Mark "dad". And I could see how Mike could be hurt by it. But he's been so in-and-out of my life for the last fifteen years, I needed some stability. Mike should have realized that it's going to take his whole damn life to make this right. I can let go and move on, but I don't know that I can forgive that easy. I'm taking everything he says with a grain of salt. I don't what to believe, and what to trust. The last time he said he was going to help me with Rory turned out to be a sham. I don't want my heart to get broken again. I feel like he's a bad boyfriend I can't get rid of. I go back, get hurt, leave, and start the whole thing over again. How many times is too many when it comes to forgivness?
Mike asks me about Rory. He doesn't know her adoptive name, or her adoptive parents names. He only knows that she's in Winona. And I think that's all I want him to know. He's asked if he can see her, but that's not up to me. And I think it'd be a little strange anyway. I mean, he's not her father, and I think if he were, it'd be a little different. But even still, I don't know that I'd want him to see her if he WERE her father. I don't want Tyler to see her.
Speaking of Tyler, his new girlfriend, Danilelle, is pregnant. She's due in March. I hope that if he stays with her that long, that he sees what he missed out on. I hope he regrets it. I'm glad his name isn't on the birth certificate. I don't want her to know who he is. He doesn't deserve it.
Oy. I think that's enough for this one. Not much else has happened. I'll try to keep you guys updated though. I'll try and do a better job.
~Maggie
Let's see, since November 5th, a few things have happened...
November 9th was my twenty-first birthday. Martin and I went out. That was interesting. Kinda boring.
Martin and I didn't spend Thanksgiving together. He got mad at me and walked out the door. Made me skip dinner with his parents, and then made me walk to Josh's house just to get the car so I could go to Steph's parents. And when everyone asked me where he was, I just said that I didn't know.
We saw Rory/Emma the day before my birthday. She got all dressed up in her Minnie Mouse costume for me and walked around. She wanted me to pick her up and hold her. And then she laid her head on my shoulders and I just about fell apart. They let me change her diaper and put her pajamas on. It was kind of strange.
On the 30th, someone threw a brick in our window. The brick came from Computer Smartz next door, but we know the neighbor didn't do it.
December 1st, Martin enlisted in the Air Force Reserves. He doesn't leave until the 13th or 20th of July, just after Dylan's first birthday. It was also Martin's birthday, but we didn't do anything. We went to the Mall of America and IKEA. That was about it.
I went to the Christmas Party on base by myself because Martin had to work. Then when Martin came up on Monday so we could get our identification cards, the chick said she needed everything from us again. And we're like, but we put that in the system already, and Sargeant Westfall tried chewing her out, but she didn't care. So we went up the next day with all of our documents again. She was so rude about everything too. Didn't care that we had to drive an hour and a half one way just to get there.
I auditioned for the Eagle's Cancer Telethon. Paulette was supposed to play the piano, but she fell ill the day of auditions, so I had to call Mr. Schwark at the last minute, and he agreed to play for me on the day of the show too! Tonight, we're going to practice because it's in less than two weeks! I'm singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz, "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl, and "Anyway" by Martin McBride.
Christmas was spent with Martin's family and the Graybill's. Nothing too eventful. Missionaries came over, as usual, and Mike's girlfriend, Nikki, was like, "The devils are here". She can be so ride sometimes. She yells at her kids in front of everyone. She doesn't even care. Mark and Tammy bought their kids coats last year, and they returned them to get money instead. I can understand if you're poor, but jeepers, ask someone for money or something. Your kids need coats. There's no reason why they should freeze.
Mike (my dad) met Dylan and Martin for the first time on the 19th. After a year and a half of no communication and wanting to make sure it was going to "work out", he randomly calls me and asks if we want to come over for dinner. Dinner went okay, and Martin thought he was nice, but that's wht he does the first couple of times you meet him. One time, he bad-mouthed me to a boyfriend, and like two days later, my boyfriend broke-up with me because he didn't think he could handle being with me and all the drama. I wonder if Mike has really changed this time. I was always angry that Emma started calling Dawn "mom", but then it made me a hypocrite because I call Paulette "mom" and Mark "dad". And I could see how Mike could be hurt by it. But he's been so in-and-out of my life for the last fifteen years, I needed some stability. Mike should have realized that it's going to take his whole damn life to make this right. I can let go and move on, but I don't know that I can forgive that easy. I'm taking everything he says with a grain of salt. I don't what to believe, and what to trust. The last time he said he was going to help me with Rory turned out to be a sham. I don't want my heart to get broken again. I feel like he's a bad boyfriend I can't get rid of. I go back, get hurt, leave, and start the whole thing over again. How many times is too many when it comes to forgivness?
Mike asks me about Rory. He doesn't know her adoptive name, or her adoptive parents names. He only knows that she's in Winona. And I think that's all I want him to know. He's asked if he can see her, but that's not up to me. And I think it'd be a little strange anyway. I mean, he's not her father, and I think if he were, it'd be a little different. But even still, I don't know that I'd want him to see her if he WERE her father. I don't want Tyler to see her.
Speaking of Tyler, his new girlfriend, Danilelle, is pregnant. She's due in March. I hope that if he stays with her that long, that he sees what he missed out on. I hope he regrets it. I'm glad his name isn't on the birth certificate. I don't want her to know who he is. He doesn't deserve it.
Oy. I think that's enough for this one. Not much else has happened. I'll try to keep you guys updated though. I'll try and do a better job.
~Maggie
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The Nicest Thing
All I know is that you're so nice
you're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
see if we could be something.
I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out,
but you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
cause it'd be a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.
All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen,
And I wish that we could see if we could be something,
And I wish that we could see if we could be something.
you're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
see if we could be something.
I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style.
I wish you couldn't figure me out,
but you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.
I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
cause it'd be a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.
I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.
All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen,
And I wish that we could see if we could be something,
And I wish that we could see if we could be something.
One Moment More
Hold me
even though I know you're leaving
and show me
all the reasons you'd stay
it's just enough to
feel your breath on mine
to warm my soul
and ease my mind
you've got to hold me
and show me now
Give me
just one part of you to cling to
and keep me
everywhere you are
it's just enough to
steal my heart and run
and fade out with the falling sun
oh, please don't go
let me have you just one moment more
oh all i need, all I want is just one moment more
you've got to hold me
and keep me now
tell me
that someday you'll be returning
and maybe
maybe i'll believe
it's just enough to
see a shooting star
to know you're never really far
it's just enough to
see a shooting star
to know you're never really gone
oh, please don't go
let me have you just one moment more
oh, all i need
all i want is just one moment more
oh, please don't go
let me have you just have one moment more
oh, all i need
all i want is just one moment more
you've got to hold me and
maybe i'll believe
so hold me
even though i know you're leaving
even though I know you're leaving
and show me
all the reasons you'd stay
it's just enough to
feel your breath on mine
to warm my soul
and ease my mind
you've got to hold me
and show me now
Give me
just one part of you to cling to
and keep me
everywhere you are
it's just enough to
steal my heart and run
and fade out with the falling sun
oh, please don't go
let me have you just one moment more
oh all i need, all I want is just one moment more
you've got to hold me
and keep me now
tell me
that someday you'll be returning
and maybe
maybe i'll believe
it's just enough to
see a shooting star
to know you're never really far
it's just enough to
see a shooting star
to know you're never really gone
oh, please don't go
let me have you just one moment more
oh, all i need
all i want is just one moment more
oh, please don't go
let me have you just have one moment more
oh, all i need
all i want is just one moment more
you've got to hold me and
maybe i'll believe
so hold me
even though i know you're leaving
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