Adoption and Loss - The Hidden Grief (A few points from Evelyn Robinson)

Before an adoption takes place, a child and her family of origin are seperated from each other. This seperation means that losses are experienced. Adoption is based on loss and grief is the emotion that we expect to follow loss.

What does adoption mean to those involoved? Traditionally, adoption has been seen as a tidy solution to everyone's problems, which suits all involved. However, many people are now beginning to view adoption quite differently. It is now felt that by creating a replacement birth certificate for a child, we are saying that we do not value that child's actual heritage and identity. Otherwise, how could we erase them with an adoption order? In this, the twenty-first century, we have learned to value each individual, regardless of gender, race, sexuality or disablilty and so how is it that we still fail to value people's origins? Everytime we allow a child to be adopted we are saying to that child that his or her heritage is so insignificant that we are happy to wipe it out completely so that it has no legal standing whatsoever.

Whenever we allow a child to be adopted, we are also saying to the parents of that child that we do not value their parenthood, because we are willing to eliminate their role and to provide the child with a new birth certificate, which allows the false assumption that they the parents did not exist. Most children have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and often siblings. Adoption denies that those relationships exist. The denial involved in adoption devaules the entire family of origin. This is an insult to the child, to the parents of the child, and to all other family members. How could expect people not to be deeply hurt by such an experience? Adoption creates a permanant seperation within a family. When family members are seperated from each other in this way, they are lost to each other. You cannot have adoption without loss.

The secrecy and denial involved in adoption have contributed to the difficulties in resolving adoption-related grief. A lifetime shadowed by sadness is actually exactly what one would expect for someone whose life has been affected by adoption. For too long, however, those seeking help have been made to feel inadequate and have been labelled as having a "ppor adjustment" to their situation. In fact, they are the fortunate ones who are approaching the issue with openness and honesty and are already on the path to healing because of their awareness.

Although obviously each case is unique, some general conclusions can be drawn from the various studies which have been undertaken on the outcomes for mothers who have lost their children through adoption. Most of you are probably familiar with Dr. Condon's study of mothers in South Australia and with Winkler and van Keppel's study of mothers Australia-wide. They found that, in the majority of most cases, mothers reported that their anger and sense of loss actually increased over time. I found that very interesting because it seemed to contradict community expectations of the process of grief. When we suffer other types of losses in our lives, the sadness generally decreases as time goes by, which is why people talk about time being such a great healer. It seems that the grief which results from adoption loss more often follows a pattern which is the exact opposite of what one might expect in the case of other losses. I have reached certain conclusions on the grief associated with adoption loss, based on my own experience, the experiences of the women I have encountered, and the books on grief and grief counselling which I have read.