Dear Tyler: Maggie Looks Back

This was actually written January 4th, 2008.

I'm sorry that we slept together the day after we started dating. I'm sorry that I bought that pack Marlboro red's because that's what you were smoking that week. I'm sorry I would watch you drive away every time you left my apartment. I'm sorry I didn't trust you with your friends. I'm sorry I misjudged your friends. I'm sorry I didn't get to know your friends. I'm sorry we didn't hang out more. I'm sorry our relationship ruined Death Cab For Cutie.

I'm sorry I started missing you two days after we'd first hung out. I'm sorry I wore my Doors t-shirt and my favorite green pants that first night we'd hung out. I'm sorry you slept on my lap while I finished "The Doors" movie. I'm sorry I know that it was a film by Oliver Stone. I'm sorry I let you ruin Meg Ryan for me. I'm sorry I remember everything so vividly. I'm sorry that I let you "fall in love" with me. I'm sorry that I lost my every gratitude.

I'm sorry that you were important enough to be written about in my journal. There's a lot of wasted pages. I'm sorry I was selfish when you told me you were moving to Winona. I should've ended it then. I'm sorry we decided to get engaged after only dating twenty-two days. And I'm sorry we decided to get married that June. I'm sorry I let you get me so angry. I'm sorry that I tried on wedding dresses, that you saw me in them, and that you didn't run away. I'm sorry I saw you mouth in the mirror as I stood there "You're beautiful", and "I love you." I'm sorry that when I actually believed that you loved me, you no longer loved me. I'm sorry I was so mad at Natalie. All I needed was to understand why.

I'm sorry I wanted to cheat on you. In the end, you might have deserved it though.I'm sorry Mike was such an asshole and kicked me out, which forced me to move in with you. I'm sorry that you told me I couldn't learn. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe there wasn't something to learn, it just wasn't what you thought it was. I'm sorry that the person I loved and the person who "loved" me weren't ever the same person. I'm sorry I bought that ring and created that falacy in my head. I'm sorry that we moved into that house next to your parents. But not because of your parents, because of you.

I'm sorry that I thought you were so perfect for me. I'm sorry I was such an idiot. I'm that all those times you tried to leave, I tried to make you stay. I'm sorry I didn't decide what I wanted and that I wasn't okay with waiting. I'm sorry about the blinds. I'm sorry you wrote that thing to me on Valentine's Day. I'm sorry I never convinced you to stay. I'm sorry that I was always trying to find a reason to stay. I'm sorry that being together is what broke us apart. I'm sorry I threw chicken at your car.

I'm sorry I never stood my ground. I'm sorry you had to watch me watch my ex-fiance marry another woman when secretly, I was still in love with him. I'm sorry I moved to Winona with you. I'm sorry I got pregnant and that you couldn't hear me when I said no. I'm sorry you don't know if you want to be on your daughter's birth certificate. I'm sorry that I really loved you.

I'm not sorry for the times we went booze cruisin'. I'm not sorry for the times I laughed with you. I'm not sorry that I don't love you like I did yesterday.