My name is Maggie. I do not consider myself a "birthmom", rather HER mom. Her name is now "Emma", but I still call her Lorelai and she was born on April 16th, 2008. She has just turned one year old. Her adoptive parents allow me to see her just about whenever I want. She is only forty minutes away. Sometimes I think it is easier staying away since her adoptive family doesn't send me as many pictures and letters anymore.
I had my daughter three months before making the choice to give her up. Which is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. They say one day when you are married you can have other kids and be blessed with them, but I find it harder. My husband and I have been married for only seven months and we are expecting a little boy in July. I really wanted a girl. I am afraid that I won't love my son as much as I did and do love my little girl. I did not expect this child to replace my daughter, but I thought that having a girl would maybe ease some of the pain.
I chose to have an open adoption because then I could decide how much contact I was comfortable with. If it got too hard, I could stop seeing her. If I just couldn't get enough, I could see her whenever I wanted. It seems harder staying away. Not being able to see her first steps, watch her eat her first solids, watching her crawl, and knowing that someday she will call another woman "mom", is the worst thing imaginable.
I have recently learned that she was sealed to her adoptive family. And the woman whom I considered a second mom was there with her. She helped through the adoption, helped me fill out paperwork, was there when I had to give her up. But I feel sort of betrayed that I didn't learn of it until after it happened. I recently learned also that her original birth certificate pretty much doesn't exsist anymore. I wish I had more contact with my daughter. I am not ready to let go yet.
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